The willingness to do work

Work has many different meanings. Physical or mental, the practicality of a person, place or thing. Moving towards a goal, traveling from point A to point B, cultivation, influencing, what ever it is, it's work and work is not easy.
There is something that has to be present, an element, a drive, a composition, attitude, heart, a willingness, to sacrifice yourself for it. To put just a little extra out there, in order to get less than nothing back. It's not about giving up a dollar to get five back, it's about trying to squeeze a dime out of two pennies and knowing that is the only way the you can do the job. Without cutting corners, without taking off the top, no cheating involved, work is not dishonest. It's compromise, selflessly giving, pushing, never taking, going going going, still knowing that after completion you still have to do work. The willingness.
The willingness is what I have, and work is what I do. To express who i am, I build, create, till, sow, push, lift, think, feel, comprehend, condense, live. Work and the willingness to do work defines me and explained to people who I am, tha I am willing to expel blood sweat and tears, put it on the line and for what, just to do the task at hand. Not to be put on a pedestal or to be rewarded, validated by anyone else, just for a piece of mind, that I did something positive. That I changed events, that I made someone happy even if I didn't see the smile or hear the laugh, that I am reliable, make a difference, stand out, be an individual. All these things are a positive outcome, but not an instant harvest, the amount put in is greater than the crop, anyone that does work, work as in the meaning of work, knows. I do work, to change how I feel about me, to change the world. The willingness to do work

waking up bruised

it seemed dead today.. but piercings flowed in and went smooth... I still love piercing... I had some cravings.. but I easily crushed them with the fear of how gross it makes me feel thinking about sugar now... I got in a fight with ice today.. wrecked the old bike twice.. on the same side.. my hip and elbow will be bruised... my wrist is a little swollen.. bike is fine... remember.. I can't go fast like I can when it's dry... tomorrow is party night.. I am interested in meeting these people for real.. I need a push.. a har push to be that person I was when I worked out all the time.. I am doing the best myself.. but a little unity helps a person grow stronger

2011.. the new dawn

I've set myself apart... I've felt like being alone is the best for me.... I am everything I need and no one can hurt me... this is what I've thought for the last few years... I felt I've never fit in... that I have no place... that I can't be loved or have deep relationships with people... I have no home or family... I've tried and tried and tried to connect and failed... I did all this on my own terms.. having terrible expectations on people that I had no control over... I made myself an asshole... no surprise... all the relationships I've had with woman and friends.. short lived... fair weathered... I've moved place to place, searching for something different... I was never impressed.... All I had was me...

But something happened....

I took accountability for my actions... I realized that I did this... I don't have to anymore...

I am working on it now.. working one it... legitimately... I just want to be happy.. I want to be healthy... I want to be wise.. I want to grow old... I've set goals.... It's been 5 days since I've eaten candy or drank soda.... I signed up for the Warrior Dash on Jan 5th.... I'm going back to doing crossfit, and surprisingly have been invited into a tight knit group quickly... 2010 I did a lot of changing and growing up... but this year I build a real foundation.... I am happy right now.. I just see myself getting happier.... I see more growth... maturity.... strength... I feel like myself.. I feel like I'm worth sharing...

this is where is starts
I'm 240 lbs... now it's time to set records and cut down to what I feel is comfortable... right now this is what I look like

this year is time for a change... but it's a change for the better... it's a change that is wanted and understood... it's time to open up... move forward... break free.. To be Alive again!

mega fail day 5

so.. day five was so hard and so bad... I didn't leave my bed till 4 and then went to work.. was hungry the whole day and didn't have shit for energy.. so I gave up and ate.. the cleans is a bad news if you push yourself.. i think that this is something you do when you chill... not exercise at all... just cleans... maybe do yoga and meditate.. but I couldn't even lift my bike today... I can't live with no energy and I ate.. so what.. 5 days

day 4 is finally over

I worked out too much on this cleanse maybe... I rode my bike 7 miles today... did a 5 min row to 1000 m on the row machine... 15 pull ups... 30 dead lifts #135 and then 100 sit ups... I napped a bunch today.. meaning I fell asleep a lot... I had no energy.. not even any bursts.. I was just tired and wanted to sleep.. I couldn't chug all the SWF this morning... it made my stomach hurt.. it was too small to take it... and I kept sneezing and spitting out lougies... my nose was runny when I woke up but now it's fine... I weighed myself yesterday and I was 227... but today I was over 230.. I think the scales at the gym are set to be heavier so people will work out more cuz i can already tell I am losing weight... I'm not going to work out tomorrow unless I feel like I have energy.. I rented 4 movies and plan to watch then and lay around before work... it's getting hard not to want to eat... I think working out as hard as I have was a bad idea.,... it's just making me hungry... if I just did the cleans I am sure I would be fine... I can't wait till paleo... I want meat so bad... 6 more days