whats wrong with me

I just thought how great it would be when my mom dies, that I would not have to worry about her meeting a girlfriend of mine. That I am ashamed of my family that I would rather them dead then to have to introduce them to someone that i care about. Do I subconchously feel this way all the time, or was this just a small burst of hate that i felt about who is in my life and how I keep everyone separate. I don't feel good about this, this has everything to do with why i am solitary most the time.

I love it when 30 year olds say

No one gets me, I'm so jaded, I'm over it, love isn't real, I'm not addicted. All this really means is, Im afraid that someone might not like me, I'm afraid to get hurt, I'm trying to ignore my feelings, I still live them, I'm not admitting I have problems. Listen, we are all the same, afraid of eachother, afraid of ourselves, afraid of change, scared of growing up and terrified of dying. Why can't
we get what we want, because each of us are too selfish and personally obsessed that we can't see passed our own noses to give a little extra to someone in need without expecting anything in return. A person, who sadly is losing his mind said to me, if it's not adding to you, it's taking away. I understood it without knowing what he meant, tonight I think to me it means, if I have nothing to selflessly give, I am nothing. If I am always subtracting from others, I am adding nothing to the world. I am changing that, this trip was a great idea, and I learned a lot. I haven't left yet, I already miss them!
To Lazer, The Kid, Gizzard and La Brett... You are truly out of your fucking minds, and I felt at home the whole time!


Sarvas