Sunday, May 8, 2011

I strive to be

Happy Mothers Day right? without going into a rant, I think of what a mother is, and regardless of selfishness there is a role that must be played... a long with the child and the father, and other family members... there is a role... that role was never met in my life... not that I had some kind of expectations, half my life I never knew what those were... it was just there was things that happened that never made me feel good... made me feel worse than what I was... that I was the one that was wrong, I was the one that wasn't good enough... I was led to believe most of that stuff, no matter how hard I tried, I failed to the point I didn't try for you... Some say I am Narcissistic maybe I am, maybe because I was never validated, or good enough.... I found myself looking for that in relationships I was in... they never worked... I find that now that I am older I need this less and less and that I am the only one that makes me feel good... except one thing... I am so disappointed in my own Mother that I can not call her today.... I have been thinking about it all day and have been severely bummed out... that I realized all my life I have been doing everything she did not want me to... I don't mean getting tattooed or pierced... I mean succeeding... My mother always wanted me to be always less than what she wanted just so I would always strive to want her attention, strive for HER validation... I can't call her because I don't care about what she wants... what she wants isn't real, its no one... no one can be that and it really bums me out that a person lives that way... I on the other hand am going to be happy today because I understand who I am, my strengths and weaknesses... I strive to be better everyday... and the days I don't, because I am tired or stressed... want to goof off or just want to slack... I don't beat myself up about it... I still feel like I am growing, learning and changing... I feel every aspect of life and I love even the bad stuff, cuz it makes me know the difference and I appreciate the good even more... so with that... I want to thank the people in my life, that may never even read this... you people are my rock.. I rely on you more than I could ever let you know.... Nathan Burch aka Lazer, you are my best friend... Mike Scalise, you were my father even when you didn't have to be.... Nick Wolak, thanks for giving me a greater opportunity when I didn't see one... Jen and Ab Rees, you selflessly helped me, took me in your home and really helped me at the time I needed it most, you are amazing people... Jen Beck and Jon Green, you are truly friends I value here, it means a lot to me what you guys have given to me... Josh Howard, you never wrote me off and valued my friendship like I valued yours (G.F.F.G)... Forrest Norby, you are still one of the only people I talk to in Montana, I hope we still talk even when we are old, and I can't wait to see you this summer.... Titjana Dukker, no matter how much of a brat you are, you have a huge heart and I'm glad we are friends, but really, you are a brat... Anthony Pagono, I will always be bigger than you, but you will always be epic beyond your own understanding, I hope one day the air quality will be better than where you are now...Eduardo Chavarria, you have been like a brother to me, no matter how far apart we are, you know where I'm at... John Johnson, I have never heard you say one bad thing about anyone, and I wish I could be more like you in that sense... last but not least, my older brother Jeremiah Berry, I don;t understand you, you don;t understand me, but you know we are brothers, and no matter what we will be there for each other... I really value what we have even though it doesn't seem much... you people mean a lot to me, and I think about each of you when I am down and even though I don't call and tell you... Thank you for letting me be me and thank you for giving me your friendship and love... I love you

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

a new leaf, a change of heart, not on my birthday

I let go and move on fairly easy I think. I have cut ties and forgotten pasts and forced myself away from everyone. There are ups and downs to this, all pros and cons, but there is one thing I can't get over. I was not the only one laid to waste in this wreckage. I think I'm the only one that isn't over it. I want to find out why!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

There is power in admittance

Every night before I fall asleep, I look up from my bed and think, this is when I die


Thursday, February 3, 2011

A servey I just filled out

1. How did you first get interested in/involved in body modification?

My brother got his first tattoo when he was 16, it was an eight ball on his calf, about the size of a 50 cent piece. that was when that shit was hot, * balls on anything you found at the mall, I thought it was stupid. My sister got her first tattoo when she was 16, I can't even remember what it was. something horrible because all my sisters tattoos suck, most of them she got from sleeping with the artist. I hated tattoos never wanted them. I use to pierce myself to freak people out, mostly my septum and put a safety pin in it to make it look gross. When I was 18 I got my nipples pierced on my birthday. Being in Montana that was way extreme, so I did it. That is what got me started hanging out in a tattoo shop. I got my first tattoo at 19, and more piercings. By the time I was 20 I wanted to work in a tattoo shop, haven't really left sense.

2. What are your thoughts on what “body modification” actually means?

Body Modification is exactly what it is. Losing weight is modifying your body, especially gastric bypass surgery, liposuction, basically any plastic surgery, is a body modification. Removing hair or skin pigments and blemishes are body modifications. More people in this country look at body modifications as an negative thing just attached to tattoos and piercings, but if you got your daughter a nose job because the bridge of her nose made it hook and she wasn't suitable to find a husband at an young age, that's body modification. Hate to break it to you America, but even when you get morbidly obese, you modified your body out of it's natural state.

3. What is your place/position in the body modification world? ie artist, collector, etc. Please explain

I am a Body Piercer and a member of the Association of Professional Piercers. The APP is a non profit organization that holds high standard of what the piercing industry should be like, with safety, legislation and education. I wouldn't say I'm a tattoo collector because I'm way too picky about who tattoos me.

4. Why is body modification important to you?

Body Modification isn't that important to me, Piercing is, but like I said before, the term is a lot broader than people let in. As for tattoo and piercings, I love it. I think being heavily tattooed should still be an underground taboo thing. I didn't get into this because I wanted to fin into society, I got into it because I fit in outside of societies standards. When people want being tattooed to be something that is good and cool bums me out. This is my lifestyle, why are the people that shunned me before trying to take it over, don't try and change it now because you want it to be ok.

5. What is the WORST negative response you’ve received in regard to your modifications?
Every day of my life I get a bad response, I've gotten, "Gross" or "Faggot" or "what is wrong with you" I've heard it all. I don't really care about that stuff, it just makes me know I am not a part of them and they aren't a part of me, I am happy the way I live and those people will never feel free because they are confined by rules.

6. What do you have to say to people who look at modification and don’t understand it/judge it unfairly/don’t recognize its importance/say it’s “disgusting” and “pointless?”

A simple thing such as ear lobe stretching has been going on longer than their precious Jesus has been a character of the best selling fairy tale ever written. Ignorance is bliss, you can't force someone to see out of their box if their eyes are covered with false ideals. Saying nothing is better than saying anything. They have a right to fell however they want just like I have a right to have my body modifications.

7. How do you deal with discrimination against your mods? For example, my family and some of my friends are very unaccepting of the few modifications I have, but I try my best to explain to them what modification means to me and get the point across to them. Sometimes I get too upset and just ignore them. How do you handle discrimination?

Let them be, before I had visible tattoos and piercings, I was still an outcast. Anger is just a reaction of not fitting in or being shunned. I just remember I'm not them, I am me, and me is all I have, they don't matter. I live my life and I own it, anyone that feels negatively towards me probably has nothing to do with me and I never have to deal with on a daily basis. As for family, I had to just accept them as them and in turn it stopped me from being upset, some I stopped talking to as a whole. My brother had a huge problem with it, I told him I'm an adult, I am living my life and I am happy, he got it, we understand each other now I think. He realized I grew up and I wasn't his little brother anymore, I was my own man. I realized he was just looking out for me and he just didn't understand that that could make someone happy. if it takes talking to them individually and without being mad just tell them it's ok and you are fine and happy and just ask them to support your happiness, not the tattoos, but you just being you and living life making decisions that make you feel good regardless of how they think you should live. It's not there life and they have to understand that and you still love them no matter what their life decisions are. That will probably change everything.

8. What is your favorite modification(s) that you have?

I am working on a full Body suit. Now that tattoos are on TV and a lot more pople thing they are cool, being heavily tattooed like I am sets me apart from them. I am still different from the excepted.

9. What was your first mod?

Nipple piercings at a 14 gauge with captive bead rings, one with a black ball one with a white ball, I stretched them to a 10 gauge 6 months later and they have been at a 10 ever since.

10. What do you do in your spare time/hobbies? Explain hobbies both related to and unrelated to body modification.

I paint, and draw. I ride my bicycle a lot, its one of my favorite things, I write stand up material but don't perform it. I do crossfit. I love to travel.

11. Did you have any jobs prior to entering the body modification world? Do you hold any other jobs currently in addition to this one?

Before I was a piercer I worked on the railroad as a gandy dancer. I have no other job and refuse to do anything else except work in the piercing industry. It is truly my dream job!

12. How do you think the body modification world and outsiders’ PERCEPTION of the body modification world has changed?

It's on TV now, so they have this idea of all tattoo shops being like TV. Other than that, nothing has really changed, just more people have visible tattoos and people have to be ok with it or it's discrimination. The world is too PC and yes, that is a bad thing. People still hate, just because they aren't open about it doesn't mean they aren't doing it.

13. Fun fact(s) that you want to share about yourself.
I don't think writing anything here gives it justice to how fun I really em, come see me if you'd like to meet me, or email me

Monday, January 31, 2011

The willingness to do work

Work has many different meanings. Physical or mental, the practicality of a person, place or thing. Moving towards a goal, traveling from point A to point B, cultivation, influencing, what ever it is, it's work and work is not easy.
There is something that has to be present, an element, a drive, a composition, attitude, heart, a willingness, to sacrifice yourself for it. To put just a little extra out there, in order to get less than nothing back. It's not about giving up a dollar to get five back, it's about trying to squeeze a dime out of two pennies and knowing that is the only way the you can do the job. Without cutting corners, without taking off the top, no cheating involved, work is not dishonest. It's compromise, selflessly giving, pushing, never taking, going going going, still knowing that after completion you still have to do work. The willingness.
The willingness is what I have, and work is what I do. To express who i am, I build, create, till, sow, push, lift, think, feel, comprehend, condense, live. Work and the willingness to do work defines me and explained to people who I am, tha I am willing to expel blood sweat and tears, put it on the line and for what, just to do the task at hand. Not to be put on a pedestal or to be rewarded, validated by anyone else, just for a piece of mind, that I did something positive. That I changed events, that I made someone happy even if I didn't see the smile or hear the laugh, that I am reliable, make a difference, stand out, be an individual. All these things are a positive outcome, but not an instant harvest, the amount put in is greater than the crop, anyone that does work, work as in the meaning of work, knows. I do work, to change how I feel about me, to change the world. The willingness to do work

Saturday, January 22, 2011

whats wrong with me

I just thought how great it would be when my mom dies, that I would not have to worry about her meeting a girlfriend of mine. That I am ashamed of my family that I would rather them dead then to have to introduce them to someone that i care about. Do I subconchously feel this way all the time, or was this just a small burst of hate that i felt about who is in my life and how I keep everyone separate. I don't feel good about this, this has everything to do with why i am solitary most the time.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I love it when 30 year olds say

No one gets me, I'm so jaded, I'm over it, love isn't real, I'm not addicted. All this really means is, Im afraid that someone might not like me, I'm afraid to get hurt, I'm trying to ignore my feelings, I still live them, I'm not admitting I have problems. Listen, we are all the same, afraid of eachother, afraid of ourselves, afraid of change, scared of growing up and terrified of dying. Why can't
we get what we want, because each of us are too selfish and personally obsessed that we can't see passed our own noses to give a little extra to someone in need without expecting anything in return. A person, who sadly is losing his mind said to me, if it's not adding to you, it's taking away. I understood it without knowing what he meant, tonight I think to me it means, if I have nothing to selflessly give, I am nothing. If I am always subtracting from others, I am adding nothing to the world. I am changing that, this trip was a great idea, and I learned a lot. I haven't left yet, I already miss them!
To Lazer, The Kid, Gizzard and La Brett... You are truly out of your fucking minds, and I felt at home the whole time!


Friday, January 14, 2011

Dream a little dream

I've been having strange dreams lately. Bloodletting dreams, dreams that I'm bleeding from strange parts if my body, finding blood soaked clothes or caked scabs and clots around a closed wound. Without pain or warning, bleeding for no reason, poring from my skin, unscathed by anything.

Sleep studies theorize that dreams are a way for the mind to process experiences that happened to the individual. Dreams help the brain to refine memories, allowing for us to remember those important events. New memories are stored, old memories refined to smaller clips or forgotten, to make room for new more important things that have happened to you.
I think the blood, scabs and clots represent the old memories. The things I've been holding on to, like tissue holding in blood and creating a bruise. Bad things, baggage, things that I was too angry to let go. The old blood is pouring out, the bad with it. I have excepted the pain a long time ago making the release painless. Those bad memories gone, pouring out the bad blood, the scabs are ready to be washed off and wiped away. The past of hate, anger and fear, ready to be let go and forgotten. A new beginning is now.


Thursday, January 6, 2011

waking up bruised

it seemed dead today.. but piercings flowed in and went smooth... I still love piercing... I had some cravings.. but I easily crushed them with the fear of how gross it makes me feel thinking about sugar now... I got in a fight with ice today.. wrecked the old bike twice.. on the same side.. my hip and elbow will be bruised... my wrist is a little swollen.. bike is fine... remember.. I can't go fast like I can when it's dry... tomorrow is party night.. I am interested in meeting these people for real.. I need a push.. a har push to be that person I was when I worked out all the time.. I am doing the best myself.. but a little unity helps a person grow stronger

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

2011.. the new dawn

I've set myself apart... I've felt like being alone is the best for me.... I am everything I need and no one can hurt me... this is what I've thought for the last few years... I felt I've never fit in... that I have no place... that I can't be loved or have deep relationships with people... I have no home or family... I've tried and tried and tried to connect and failed... I did all this on my own terms.. having terrible expectations on people that I had no control over... I made myself an asshole... no surprise... all the relationships I've had with woman and friends.. short lived... fair weathered... I've moved place to place, searching for something different... I was never impressed.... All I had was me...

But something happened....

I took accountability for my actions... I realized that I did this... I don't have to anymore...

I am working on it now.. working one it... legitimately... I just want to be happy.. I want to be healthy... I want to be wise.. I want to grow old... I've set goals.... It's been 5 days since I've eaten candy or drank soda.... I signed up for the Warrior Dash on Jan 5th.... I'm going back to doing crossfit, and surprisingly have been invited into a tight knit group quickly... 2010 I did a lot of changing and growing up... but this year I build a real foundation.... I am happy right now.. I just see myself getting happier.... I see more growth... maturity.... strength... I feel like myself.. I feel like I'm worth sharing...

this is where is starts
I'm 240 lbs... now it's time to set records and cut down to what I feel is comfortable... right now this is what I look like

this year is time for a change... but it's a change for the better... it's a change that is wanted and understood... it's time to open up... move forward... break free.. To be Alive again!