Friday, October 10, 2008

Walking makes you think a bit

Got off work tonight and walked about 5 miles to the theater... Good thing it wasn't really cold.. Asked this girl if she wanted to go but she didn't text me back... Figures... But I don't really mind going alone... The walk here I thought of all these great things to blog about.. One got me real jazzed... The difference between dating an 19 year old girl or a 29 year old woman... ideas burst in my head as I compared the 2... But as I walked.. Truth set in.. And I'm just at a point where it's hard to be funny... It's hard to really be me.. I feel very unstable... Lost... Unwelcome... And out of the loop... My first thought is if I did this to myself... But I can't take the blame this time.. The world is very cold these days.. And I think my time is closing... I don't know how.. Or why.. But it just seems time to unplug.. Drop out... Let go... And see what happens... I feel like if nothing changes soon... I'll be homeless and crazy on the streets... Is it that kind of year or did I make too many wrong turns now I'm in a dead end street... The hard part is there is no one to blame and that includes me!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

for the fuck of it... for what it is worth

I seriously think no one reads this... seems this is where I can hide right now... but I have to say this.,.. when it rains it pours... I've never in my life felt that I am being able to see tons of amazing things and then the whole time told I can't have any of those things... I'm truly alone... truly have no niche, scene, home, family... and for the only time In my life I want all those things... I want to know... is it because I don't have them... or is it because I'm getting older... or is it the "don't know what you got till it's gone" syndrome... I feel hallow... and I'm doing my best to keep grounded... to keep focused... to move forward and to be the best I can be... and right now really... it is one of the hardest things I can do... and the funny thing is that I really don't want anyone to know these things... because I'm ashamed.. but.. fuck.. no one reads this.. no one cares... so I use this,.. to get it out.. and say something.. and then at the same time.. hope that someone will read it... and save me from the place I am right now... and I don't me in a physical scenes....