Sunday, May 8, 2011

I strive to be

Happy Mothers Day right? without going into a rant, I think of what a mother is, and regardless of selfishness there is a role that must be played... a long with the child and the father, and other family members... there is a role... that role was never met in my life... not that I had some kind of expectations, half my life I never knew what those were... it was just there was things that happened that never made me feel good... made me feel worse than what I was... that I was the one that was wrong, I was the one that wasn't good enough... I was led to believe most of that stuff, no matter how hard I tried, I failed to the point I didn't try for you... Some say I am Narcissistic maybe I am, maybe because I was never validated, or good enough.... I found myself looking for that in relationships I was in... they never worked... I find that now that I am older I need this less and less and that I am the only one that makes me feel good... except one thing... I am so disappointed in my own Mother that I can not call her today.... I have been thinking about it all day and have been severely bummed out... that I realized all my life I have been doing everything she did not want me to... I don't mean getting tattooed or pierced... I mean succeeding... My mother always wanted me to be always less than what she wanted just so I would always strive to want her attention, strive for HER validation... I can't call her because I don't care about what she wants... what she wants isn't real, its no one... no one can be that and it really bums me out that a person lives that way... I on the other hand am going to be happy today because I understand who I am, my strengths and weaknesses... I strive to be better everyday... and the days I don't, because I am tired or stressed... want to goof off or just want to slack... I don't beat myself up about it... I still feel like I am growing, learning and changing... I feel every aspect of life and I love even the bad stuff, cuz it makes me know the difference and I appreciate the good even more... so with that... I want to thank the people in my life, that may never even read this... you people are my rock.. I rely on you more than I could ever let you know.... Nathan Burch aka Lazer, you are my best friend... Mike Scalise, you were my father even when you didn't have to be.... Nick Wolak, thanks for giving me a greater opportunity when I didn't see one... Jen and Ab Rees, you selflessly helped me, took me in your home and really helped me at the time I needed it most, you are amazing people... Jen Beck and Jon Green, you are truly friends I value here, it means a lot to me what you guys have given to me... Josh Howard, you never wrote me off and valued my friendship like I valued yours (G.F.F.G)... Forrest Norby, you are still one of the only people I talk to in Montana, I hope we still talk even when we are old, and I can't wait to see you this summer.... Titjana Dukker, no matter how much of a brat you are, you have a huge heart and I'm glad we are friends, but really, you are a brat... Anthony Pagono, I will always be bigger than you, but you will always be epic beyond your own understanding, I hope one day the air quality will be better than where you are now...Eduardo Chavarria, you have been like a brother to me, no matter how far apart we are, you know where I'm at... John Johnson, I have never heard you say one bad thing about anyone, and I wish I could be more like you in that sense... last but not least, my older brother Jeremiah Berry, I don;t understand you, you don;t understand me, but you know we are brothers, and no matter what we will be there for each other... I really value what we have even though it doesn't seem much... you people mean a lot to me, and I think about each of you when I am down and even though I don't call and tell you... Thank you for letting me be me and thank you for giving me your friendship and love... I love you