whats wrong with me

I just thought how great it would be when my mom dies, that I would not have to worry about her meeting a girlfriend of mine. That I am ashamed of my family that I would rather them dead then to have to introduce them to someone that i care about. Do I subconchously feel this way all the time, or was this just a small burst of hate that i felt about who is in my life and how I keep everyone separate. I don't feel good about this, this has everything to do with why i am solitary most the time.