whats wrong with me

I just thought how great it would be when my mom dies, that I would not have to worry about her meeting a girlfriend of mine. That I am ashamed of my family that I would rather them dead then to have to introduce them to someone that i care about. Do I subconchously feel this way all the time, or was this just a small burst of hate that i felt about who is in my life and how I keep everyone separate. I don't feel good about this, this has everything to do with why i am solitary most the time.

I love it when 30 year olds say

No one gets me, I'm so jaded, I'm over it, love isn't real, I'm not addicted. All this really means is, Im afraid that someone might not like me, I'm afraid to get hurt, I'm trying to ignore my feelings, I still live them, I'm not admitting I have problems. Listen, we are all the same, afraid of eachother, afraid of ourselves, afraid of change, scared of growing up and terrified of dying. Why can't
we get what we want, because each of us are too selfish and personally obsessed that we can't see passed our own noses to give a little extra to someone in need without expecting anything in return. A person, who sadly is losing his mind said to me, if it's not adding to you, it's taking away. I understood it without knowing what he meant, tonight I think to me it means, if I have nothing to selflessly give, I am nothing. If I am always subtracting from others, I am adding nothing to the world. I am changing that, this trip was a great idea, and I learned a lot. I haven't left yet, I already miss them!
To Lazer, The Kid, Gizzard and La Brett... You are truly out of your fucking minds, and I felt at home the whole time!


Sarvas

Dream a little dream

I've been having strange dreams lately. Bloodletting dreams, dreams that I'm bleeding from strange parts if my body, finding blood soaked clothes or caked scabs and clots around a closed wound. Without pain or warning, bleeding for no reason, poring from my skin, unscathed by anything.

Sleep studies theorize that dreams are a way for the mind to process experiences that happened to the individual. Dreams help the brain to refine memories, allowing for us to remember those important events. New memories are stored, old memories refined to smaller clips or forgotten, to make room for new more important things that have happened to you.
I think the blood, scabs and clots represent the old memories. The things I've been holding on to, like tissue holding in blood and creating a bruise. Bad things, baggage, things that I was too angry to let go. The old blood is pouring out, the bad with it. I have excepted the pain a long time ago making the release painless. Those bad memories gone, pouring out the bad blood, the scabs are ready to be washed off and wiped away. The past of hate, anger and fear, ready to be let go and forgotten. A new beginning is now.
Bloodletting


Sarvas

waking up bruised

it seemed dead today.. but piercings flowed in and went smooth... I still love piercing... I had some cravings.. but I easily crushed them with the fear of how gross it makes me feel thinking about sugar now... I got in a fight with ice today.. wrecked the old bike twice.. on the same side.. my hip and elbow will be bruised... my wrist is a little swollen.. bike is fine... remember.. I can't go fast like I can when it's dry... tomorrow is party night.. I am interested in meeting these people for real.. I need a push.. a har push to be that person I was when I worked out all the time.. I am doing the best myself.. but a little unity helps a person grow stronger

2011.. the new dawn

I've set myself apart... I've felt like being alone is the best for me.... I am everything I need and no one can hurt me... this is what I've thought for the last few years... I felt I've never fit in... that I have no place... that I can't be loved or have deep relationships with people... I have no home or family... I've tried and tried and tried to connect and failed... I did all this on my own terms.. having terrible expectations on people that I had no control over... I made myself an asshole... no surprise... all the relationships I've had with woman and friends.. short lived... fair weathered... I've moved place to place, searching for something different... I was never impressed.... All I had was me...

But something happened....

I took accountability for my actions... I realized that I did this... I don't have to anymore...

I am working on it now.. working one it... legitimately... I just want to be happy.. I want to be healthy... I want to be wise.. I want to grow old... I've set goals.... It's been 5 days since I've eaten candy or drank soda.... I signed up for the Warrior Dash on Jan 5th.... I'm going back to doing crossfit, and surprisingly have been invited into a tight knit group quickly... 2010 I did a lot of changing and growing up... but this year I build a real foundation.... I am happy right now.. I just see myself getting happier.... I see more growth... maturity.... strength... I feel like myself.. I feel like I'm worth sharing...

this is where is starts
I'm 240 lbs... now it's time to set records and cut down to what I feel is comfortable... right now this is what I look like

this year is time for a change... but it's a change for the better... it's a change that is wanted and understood... it's time to open up... move forward... break free.. To be Alive again!