Walking makes you think a bit

Got off work tonight and walked about 5 miles to the theater... Good thing it wasn't really cold.. Asked this girl if she wanted to go but she didn't text me back... Figures... But I don't really mind going alone... The walk here I thought of all these great things to blog about.. One got me real jazzed... The difference between dating an 19 year old girl or a 29 year old woman... ideas burst in my head as I compared the 2... But as I walked.. Truth set in.. And I'm just at a point where it's hard to be funny... It's hard to really be me.. I feel very unstable... Lost... Unwelcome... And out of the loop... My first thought is if I did this to myself... But I can't take the blame this time.. The world is very cold these days.. And I think my time is closing... I don't know how.. Or why.. But it just seems time to unplug.. Drop out... Let go... And see what happens... I feel like if nothing changes soon... I'll be homeless and crazy on the streets... Is it that kind of year or did I make too many wrong turns now I'm in a dead end street... The hard part is there is no one to blame and that includes me!

for the fuck of it... for what it is worth

I seriously think no one reads this... seems this is where I can hide right now... but I have to say this.,.. when it rains it pours... I've never in my life felt that I am being able to see tons of amazing things and then the whole time told I can't have any of those things... I'm truly alone... truly have no niche, scene, home, family... and for the only time In my life I want all those things... I want to know... is it because I don't have them... or is it because I'm getting older... or is it the "don't know what you got till it's gone" syndrome... I feel hallow... and I'm doing my best to keep grounded... to keep focused... to move forward and to be the best I can be... and right now really... it is one of the hardest things I can do... and the funny thing is that I really don't want anyone to know these things... because I'm ashamed.. but.. fuck.. no one reads this.. no one cares... so I use this,.. to get it out.. and say something.. and then at the same time.. hope that someone will read it... and save me from the place I am right now... and I don't me in a physical scenes....